Ownership

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Sometimes other people’s feelings get hurt when we’re hurting and even when we’re not. We’re constantly making decisions about our life that have an impact on other people. If I am at the grocery store and buy a pound of beef that leaks blood all over the cashier’s lane, that is going to cause an impact. Kind of a messy one, albeit unplanned. Life moves on.

What if making waves and impacting people was okay? I am not referring to intentional malicious/hurtful impacts on people. The impacts I am referring to are the ones caused by us making choices for ourselves. From and for priority number one - being yourself. Honouring thy self. 

I recently made a decision to switch roads on my journey. Or maybe I didn’t switch roads at all, maybe I actually followed the one that was laid out for me before I even existed in human form. Yes, I am getting a little spiritual here because this is the shit I love. 

Life is not about avoiding pain, sorrow, loss, hurt feelings (your’s and others’) through people pleasing and performing a role that isn’t authentically you. Life is about tuning into that voice within you that knows who you are and why you are here. 

I am in no way condoning behaviour that is careless and not thought out/soul searched. In my experience I have  spent a fair amount of time choosing circumstances of my life from a place of fear instead of love and trust. Usually it’s because I am trying to make myself be better or fix myself because my limiting beliefs say who I am right now just ain’t enough. I call bullshit on that. I can easily see it looking back but sometimes in the midst of making important choices I choose from that old conditioned pattern. 

How I knew it wasn’t my path anymore was through silence and grounding myself. I gave myself space to hear what my heart was saying though meditation, prayer, conversations. I chat with the Universe, God, Goddess, Higher Power, Life Force, Energy, Etc. (whatever you wanna call it) on the regular. Support from friends, family, coaches, energy workers helped me to uncover what my heart was really telling me, guiding me. Although I received so much support from others, this decision was my own to make. In the past, I have put more stock in what other people thought or believed to be true about me and looked to others for answers. It was no fault of theirs. My limiting beliefs and conditioned behaviour conditioned them as well.

For example, if I was a rainbow (obvious choice here cause I am gay) and my rainbow on the outside was mostly always only shining blue, red, green, and yellow, people would expect that and I would expect that but really my full rainbow is blue, purple, red, pink, green, turquoise, yellow, and gold. Those extra colours are constantly telling me to let them shine and I am not tuned into hear them very loudly or if I do hear them I quietly turn up the outside volume so as to drown them out. 

AND THEN… those colours say “oh no she didn’t” and they get louder and start to push up against me, physically. I feel them in my body as tightness in my chest, discomfort in my belly, stiffness in my neck. I start hurting mentally, emotionally, and physically from tuning them out. Those colours want to come out to play with the rest of the rainbow. 

This has often been my self-created experience. Now, I tune in much earlier in the process because I have grown and flexed my self-trust muscle through the practice of listening to my body. Listening to our soul doesn’t always mean there’ll be roses and cheerful baby birds flying around everywhere for everyone all the time. The soul does not seek relief, it seeks truth and love and happiness. Indeed love and happiness are synonymous but they are also a choice. Sometimes the choice doesn’t always feel great for anyone involved but a fully expressed rainbow doesn’t show up when the sun is shining brightly in a cloudless sky, now does it? 

The impact I have on the world by playing small and letting only parts of my rainbow show is not lost on me. It can hurt people when suddenly I choose something that seems totally out of character, when suddenly all the colours are let out to play. It may mean me moving on from a situation, letting people go. But it may hurt me even more to stay in that small box that I put myself in so as to not ruffle any feathers. It’s scary. I am sorry for conditioning people to see me in a certain way, for not allowing them to see all of me, and then being upset when they’re hurt. It’s actually all fine and the purpose of life here. To live and to learn.

If we never did anything that scared us what would we create? Sometimes trusting yourself isn’t always the easy choice. On the other side of a scary thunderstorm is the bright shiny rainbow that actually was there all along. Take ownership of your life. That looks like being that rainbow come rain or shine.

Heidi DavisComment