If you’re anything like me you run from the dark…
Don't make me!!!
Let me share a not-so-secret-secret with you. The wound actually is the healing place. That’s the place we can look to, or in many of our cases RUN toward, to find the light we’ve been searching for. The love you seek IS NOT OUT THERE. It isn’t outside of you.
You see, if you’re like me, you’ve run from yourself. For a longggggg mother freaking time. You got so good at running you didn’t even know that’s what was happening. The external search has felt natural, but it’s likely felt bad at times. That bad might feel like a pit, a sense that you’ve ignored or stuffed down whole parts of you. And throughout this epic marathon there’s this tug that often pulls at you or things happen that offer you the opportunity to go deeper within yourself but you don’t. Or you scratch the surface a little bit until you feel too uncomfortable and then you put your running shoes on again. Catch my drift? Can you recognize that well-warn running path that I am talking about?
Stuck in the claws of perfection
Don’t make me.
That’s what the voice in my head screams at me anytime I’m called by my heart and soul to do anything big. Or even small. Big to that voice could be a facebook post or a blog post or setting boundaries with someone. Small could be something like crawling out of bed in the am. Girl’s got some legit scaries goin on.
What is your little person saying or SCREAMING at you?
What would it look like if you listened with love and compassion?
Can you take a peak back into your past and get curious about the root of the fear(SSSS)?
The week the water heater went bye-bye…
Here’s what I know. Perfection sucks the life out of anything yet I am a master perfectionista. I can make the best excuse not to do something anytime I feel like it’s a waste of my energy because, after all, the outcome won’t be perfect so what’s the point? Looking for a great excuse? Call me. Exceptttttttttt. Don’t. Because I won’t buy it. I’ve stopped buying my own BS (most of the time) and here is why.
Wishing and hoping
One day in the fall (yes, this has been waiting to be written since then) the water heater in our apartment went caput. I made fun of my partner Crystal for being annoyed and afraid of the cold water. ‘Tough on the outside me’ was like “oh this isn’t a big deal, our landlady will get it fixed in a few days”. And she did. But, a big lesson was learned. Or, rather re-learned. Since then forgotten and remembered several times over and over again. What can I say? I’m a human. Sometimes we learn slowly. And we forget things that would make our lives a whole lot simpler.
Growth and transformation doesn’t just happen because we wish for it to happen. Yes, it’s imperative to set an intention, a desire for growth and discovery but, we also have to add action into the mix. AND it doesn’t have to be big and hard.
Cory, the horse
There’s an irony I’ve discovered occurring in my life this month. I am, what feels like, often locked inside a closet and this month I have felt really far in it, again. And it’s not lost on me that it’s coinciding with PRIDE month. The universe has a way of putting us right where we need to be, to learn the lessons we need to learn. (I AM ALL LESSONED OUT, THOUGH, K? THANKS 😘)
Let me dive in here. June is PRIDE month for the LGBTQ community. I was never one to really celebrate PRIDE. I went to the parade, a few times in Halifax, attended some parties but I always felt like I was just a watcher of it, on the sidelines, longing for a sense of PRIDE and rejecting it at the same time. In one breath I’d think why are we celebrating being different— people already hate us for it, and in the next breath I’d think —yeah, we deserve to be here just like everyone else. I had shame about being gay and shame about not being proud enough or proud at all.
We're all afraid!
#TBT So this is Cory. I met this beauty when I was at Windhorse farm a couple weeks ago. I was there for 5 days for a retreat/leadership training (best 5 days ever!). Anyway, I would go to this fence and hang there for a few minutes a couple times a day and Cory would stay where she was, doing her thing (usually eating..we have a lot in common). I’d try my hardest to coerce her to come over to me. I’d make those weird horse calling sounds with my mouth (don’t pretend you don’t know the ones I’m talking about), I’d talk to her and I even thought that I could try with my mind to send her some vibes to walk over and see me (YES I ACTUALLY DID THIS). No luck.
This was my Monday
FYI: this quote is intended to be sung to the tune of Ice Cream (I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream for Ice Cream). You can thank me for getting this little number stuck in your head. Also, I did a little research about this song (after it popped into my head as inspiration for my perfectly cheesy picture quote) and found out it was first published in 1927 and it’s actually a full song - you can play it on YouTube for your listening pleasure.
Now, let’s focus on the heart of the matter. WE ARE ALL SCARED. I was speaking with a friend yesterday and we were talking about this: how fear so often hold us back from really putting ourselves out there and doing what it is that brings us joy and lights us up. Cue the shame story for being a scared human. This brings me to my next point.
Okay. So ya know when you take some time off from work and then when it's time to get back into the swing of things you sort of 'forget' how and what you're supposed to do? That's what's up over here today.
Sits at computer. Whoa..look at that ball of dust over there in the corner.. FOCUS. awww a cute dog video. Maybe I should eat now.. it's already been 6 minutes since I ate my mid-day snack. FOCUS. Maybe I'll go through this pile of papers that I've been planning on going through for 5 months now. FOCUS. what time is it? Can I have another snack now? Maybe I should go look out the window for a bit and wish that someone would come along and do all the things for me so I could sit around and wish some more that things would just happen without me having to do anything.
Creatures of habit
Sometimes other people’s feelings get hurt when we’re hurting and even when we’re not. We’re constantly making decisions about our life that have an impact on other people. If I am at the grocery store and buy a pound of beef that leaks blood all over the cashier’s lane, that is going to cause an impact. Kind of a messy one, albeit unplanned. Life moves on.
How are you showing up?
Old habits die hard! Am I right or AM I RIGHT?
Seriously though? That’s a go to habit of mine, thinking I am right. Another one is spending quality time at Procrastination Station. A clear example of this, my blog. I told so many people I was going to write a weekly blog. Has that happened? Hells freakin no it hasn’t. I wrote 2 blogs and then vanished. Note to self: do not set unrealistic expectations.
Are you a problem seeker?
And I don't mean what kind of transportation you're using or whether or not you glow under fluorescent lighting. What I'm referring to is the way you're being in the world. So, in other words, how are you existing in your space(s) the majority of the time?
Feeding your soul!
I’ll answer for you. The answer is yes—at some point or another you totally are. I’ve just outed you and I’m choosing this venue to come out as well (for the second time in my life), this time as a problem seeker. Let’s all let out a collective gasp. I feel lighter and more free already. But what could the fall out be?
I haven’t been scheduling in enough space for feeding my soul. Yesterday evening Crystal and I took a much needed drive to the beach to recharge our batteries...